Merry Christmas!!

HoHoHo~!!

Merry Christmas Bloggie!

Although I'm kinda late to wish you.

Went to midnight mass on the 24th Dec, then went to eat super duper late supper near the cat statute at Padungan area.

What a sad Christmas.

My phone's screen totally blackout!! OMG!! I can't send my msg greetings to my friends which makes me kinda sad.

I feel like I'm so out dated and so not happening. =(

Owh well, at least Drey is kind enough to lend me her phone.

About this year's Christmas I'm kinda disappointed and sad actually.

Maybe it's because I did not celebrate with the person I love. He did not go to Drey's house even. =(

The best Christmas I ever had was last year. I love last year Christmas.

Actually I don't really know that whether I still love him or not. But if I don't how come I feel like spending every important occasion with him??

How pathetic I am...

I know he doesn't deserves me unless I've change to a better girl. I'm such a pain and I treat guys badly. He deserves someone better.

Anyway, not gonna be emo right now.

And it's time for bed. Night nights~~!!

I love you bloggie, you're the best friend of mine. =)

Emo-ness Strike!!

Can I cry??

It's sad that a person can't be with the person they love.

I so emo right now.

Almost cried when I heard the story.

How I miss those days.

Rearrange my folders in comp last night, and I saw my last time photos with him.

It's sad that we only took a few pictures when we're together.

And why do I still can't let go??

So stupidly I can't let go of him.

Fuck myself Kao Kao.

I'm gonna take this as a challenge and a game man!!

I don't care whatever people think.

I'm gonna do whatever I want!!

I'm gonna win this game once and for all!! =)

I miss you... =(

Owh please tell me why...

Why do I miss him so damn much??

I so desperately wanna see him...

It's been two days I haven't seen him...

I want him!!!

I want ADRIAN FONG YEAN YUNG!!!!!

*sigh*

I can confirm it's only for a while for this feeling to be with me...

I miss you, ADRIAN FONG!!!!

Stupid Johnny. Sure feel so swt right now...

So what??

I still love ADRIAN FONG YEAN YUNG!!!!!

hehe

Joyful time!!!!

Just finish my final exam this morning!! I'm so happy about it!! I can stop studying for like few months!! haha..

Not gonna think about the results first. Making people worried about it only. So, I'm gonna relax first.

There are so many things I wanna do within this holiday man!! Was thinking of loosing weight and working within in this holiday. But I don't think I can do it though.

I don't have the motivation to do it!! I kept saying that I wanna loose weight but I just can't cause of no motivation. For the last time, gonna do it or die for it!!

I'm so damn freaking happy that I'm finally free from studies for almost 3 months. Gonna go KL on January. I hope that I do pass all my test. I don't think I'm gonna go KL if I do fail any of it. *fingers cross*

What about today...
Finish my last paper this morning which is Law. Actually Law it's kinda interesting though. I find it that it's the easiest paper among all the subject?? LOL. I don't know why I have this kind of thought, but I really do think so. =)

After that went to Cory's house for a while before going out for lunch with Johnny, Trice and Cory. Not really satisfy with my lunch. It says mince meat vinegar noodle(i think that's the name), but it came out it's not sour enough and there doesn't really have the vinegar smell and taste.

Went back home after lunch then have a short nap. Only manage to sleep for 2 hours last night. So, having a short nap before attend Daphne's wedding dinner. Ya know what?? We're late!! Soooooooo don't like to be late. But what to do? I thought I can make it on time.

Went to Starbucks after the dinner. Dinner kinda sucks though. Not much of food is being served. Don't expect any photos from me. I don't take pictures and upload in blog. =)

It's late already. I better go get some sleep. Till then folks... Nite nitess... =)

Exam!!!

This will be a short one I guess... =)

I seriously don't like having exams...
Whenever exams comes especially final exams I'll think of him...
You feeling very "swt" right?
I feel the same way too...
Why is he got to do with final exams right?
It's cause before we got together we were like very close, messaging each other 24/7 then when final exam I'm like stressing there's him beside me messaging me and keep me accompany and I do feel less stress...
When I woke up in the middle of the night to study there is always him accompany me...
He do wake me up or I would wake him up to study and messaging each other...
Owh... I do miss those moment...
Now whenever exam comes I do think of him...
Now... There is nobody who would do this...
How I miss it...
Ok... Chaozz... =)

Have you ever??

Have you ever feel lonely?

Have you ever feel like dying?

Have you ever feel nobody cares for you?

Have you ever feel stupid in some way?

Have you ever feel like you shouldn't live in this world?

Have you ever feel like there is nobody belongs to you?

Have you ever feel like nobody really loves you?

Have you ever feel like you're living in this world alone?

Have you ever feel like nobody really understands you?

Have you ever feel so empty before?

Have you ever feel that you got nobody to talk to when you're down?

Have you ever feel like you don't have a true friend?

Have you ever feel that you're good for nothing?

Have you ever feel like there is this random people come in to your life to snatch your precious stuff away from you?

Have you ever feel that people are just using you?

Have you ever lost your lover and a best friend at the same time?

Have you ever suffer like me before?

Have you ever feel how I feel?

I'm dying day by day...

How would I live without you?

You are killing me slowly by leaving me...

*HeartBroken*

20th of October!!!!!!!!

Eeek!!!!! It's 20th of October!!!!!

Haha... Actually nothing much about it...

Just realize that it's 20th today when I look at the calender...

Okay... That's all...

Bye...

p/s: Johnny Kueh... Don't kek tiok... =)

CRAP!!!!!

It's just crap!!!
All of it are just shitty CRAP!!!
Feelings are just so shitty and crappy for me!!!
I don't even know why I do get so emotional sometimes!!!
Why do I get suffer this way??!!
Why do I get this kind of trouble out of myself??!!
I'm such a stupid gal!!!
I need a breakaway!!!
I'm very sure that how the game goes okay!!!
But I just can't help myself!!!
It's all because of you!!!
I'm just angry at myself though!!!
Sometimes I just don't even know how I feel actually...
Why do I have to have these complicated feelings??!!
I know that I won't go back with him!!!
We just won't go back together!!!
How come things turn out to be like this??!!
No matter how rational I am, I always lose to my feelings and emotions!!!
They always concur me!!!
I HATE IT!!!!
So what I got a great laugh just now??!!
When you really don't feel happy you just WONT feel happy!!!
NO MATTER WHAT!!!
I don't understand why I act like this??!!
I love him??
No??
I don't love him??
Then why do I act like this??!!
I so stupid right??
And I know that I miss him!!
Really really miss him!!
I so sad now!!!

Adrian...
Once again...
I guess I lose again...
I never can know wad are you thinking...
I just miss you...

Johnny!!!
I know you would be reading this...
But shhhhh!!!
You and me know only kay??!!
You so good...
I love u... =)

confusing+suffering

Can I ever stop crying because of you?

I'm tired of lies already. Why can't you tell me the truth rather than lying to me and giving me false hope? Why do you have to torture me like this? Leaving me all these false hopes and lies.

Why do I fall in love with you once more? I just don't know why. I blame myself for everything. I don blame anybody on this. Cause everything is my own choice. Maybe I'm just too stubborn.

Lies Lies Lies.

I can never learn my lesson. I tried my best not to fall for you again. Or should I say I'm trying very hard not to love you anymore. Am I really a person who wanna know the truth which hurts myself? Or just let things be? I'm very confusing about myself.

Ok... I made up my mind...
- I'LL LET THINGS BE THE WAY IT IS
- I'LL STOP LOVING YOU
- I'LL ASSUME THAT YOU DON HAVE ANY FEELINGS TOWARDS ME ANYMORE
- I'LL KEEP EVERY OF MY PROMISE
- I'LL JUST TAKE YOU AS A FRIEND

* I HOPE YOU LIVE A HAPPY LIFE *

Back again...

ADRIAN!!!!!

I MISS YOU!!!!!

Hmmm... It's like I'm obsess with you again??

You have been messaging me for the straight 2 days. So I'm kinda waiting for your message tonight, but there is no message from you. Kinda miss you tough.

I'm starting to fall for you again??

Don't really know how I feel towards you now. It's like so confusing. Do you still love me?? When i ask you about going back together you told me you are afraid that you are not ready yet. So which means you still love me?? I've told you that I still love you, but you did not say anything back to me.

Hmmm... So many question I want to ask you, but I just don't dare. Owh well...

ADRIAN FONG!!!!

I STILL LOVE YOU!!!!!

Nothing to say

I LOVE YOU

ADRIAN FONG

< 3

P/s: Don't even know why I write this... Just some random stuff that I feel like shouting out from my heart... Although I feel that the love towards you had gone... =)

I remember...

I remember the days that how you broke up with me. Feels like everything just happened yesterday. The pain is still there. How deeply you did hurt me.

I remember the days that how I beg you not to break up with me. How pathetic I am in begging you not to leave me when you don't love me anymore.

I remember the days that how I live without your love. Feels like I'm living in hell. Everything around me are in darkness. It's like the world are against me.

I remember the days that how I used to live without you. Feels like nobody cares for me. Feels like nobody will love me ever again.


These are what I remember when you left me behind with this world, with these pains. I too remember that...

I drink everyday, no matter night or day.
I don't eat for a week cause of you.
I do thinking of killing myself cause the pain that you cause is more than the physical pain.
I have lose weight up to 3 kilograms just a week.
I do cry like hell for you everyday uncontrollably.
I can't sleep soundly for almost 2 weeks.
I did wake up in the middle of the night to message you, telling you how much I've been hurt by you and how I feel.
I do feel lost in this world without you.
I do wish that someday you would come back to me.
I do promise myself that you would be the last person I love in my entire life.
I do promise myself that I will wait for you.

There are a lot of things I would wanna talk to you about. But there is this something that won't allow us to talk to each other? How I wish we would just be close forever but not being a couple which end up like this.

I'm sad and I do feel like crying. But I just have to control myself. It's no use I cry for you anymore. You don't love me anymore. We won't get back together. Hope you can find a better girlfriend than me and live happily ever after. =)

P/s: I LOVE YOU!!!!! <3

Love Is Gone

Now that the love is gone

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone?

Love is gone

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone?

There is nothing left to prove
No use to deny this simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone, love is gone!

Now that the love is gone
What felt so right's so wrong
Noe that the love is gone

I feel so hurt inside
Feel so hurt inside
Got to find the reason

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone?

There is nothing left to prove
No use to deny this simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone, love is gone!

Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason to hold

Love, there;s nothing left for us to say, yeah
Love, why can't we turn and walk away?

What are we supposed to do
After all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone?

There is nothing left to prove
No use to deny this simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone, love is gone!

Love is gone

The truth

I don't even know where am I suppose to start all these craps.

You break up with me just because you are stressing.
You break up with me just because you don't want the relationship and don't wan me anymore.
You break up with me just because I don't understand you.
You break up with me just like this, leaving everything behind just like that.

How unfair is it. Hurting me this much. Making me living like hell for so many months. Stress? You think I never stress before when I'm with you? So what I'm stress? I bear with it myself. And I'm still continue on with you. I gave you a second chance! But what did you do to me? You didn't give me a single chance! You should tell me that what you want and we can overcome everything! But you did not do that. You just end everything just like that. Our love for each other are fake is it? How can you just say break up then break up?! You just say don want this relationship just like that. Remember how much we love each other?! Our feelings for each other are deep remember? Feelings for each other can say don't want then don't want? I don't think so! I just love you! When you wanna be with me then be with me, when you don't want then you break up with me. Have you ever take me as your girlfriend?!
You said that I don't understand you, but have you ever give me a chance to understand you?! NO!!! NEVER!!!! You never give me a single chance to let me understand you!! You never wanna talk about your things to me!! You always keep stuff to yourself!! I'm your girlfriend that time!! You should tell me everything!! I'm your GIRLFRIEND!!! If we can go through that I think we wont end up this way!! Not talking to each other!! We don't counted as friends even!!
I believe that if we don't break up that time, we would be very happy now!!!!!
ADRIAN FONG!!!!! HOW I WISH YOU CAN COME BACK TO ME!!!!! I STILL LOVE YOU!!!!! BUT... I DON'T THINK YOU STILL NEED ME IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE!!!!!!

Cracking My Head??

Thinking of making my blog P R I V A T E...

I'm still thinking about it tough. I'm still not sure about it yet. It's kind of me myself revealing too much about my emotions to the outside world? *haha* Need to keep it for some privacy?

I'm gonna consider of making my blog private. Just in case I really private my blog. Do ask me to invitation. If I consider you as a person that can read my blog. *haha*

Now I'm W O N D E R I N G...

When can I let MYSELF go?? Like seriously let myself go. I have no idea when will the day come. Maybe after... After... Actually I don't even know when the day will come. Maybe the day won't come forever? Oh My Gosh... I need to release myself from this.

I wanna have holiday with leaving Kuching and go somewhere there is nobody that I recognize. Living a happy, care free life. Wow... How nice if my wish come true.

I'm SORRY...

I think I did said something wrong

and

I'M SORRY !!!

The best!!

I've realized that I've been comparing you with all the guys that I know. No matter who. It's just weird that human really doesn't appreciate things when they owned it. They only appreciate that something once they have lost it. Human nature? Not so... We are just being stupid by not appreciate things when we owned it. Really stupid I can tell. Once you have got the things which you think is the best, you'll keep comparing the best with others or even find the better one. But is it this easy to find "another" the best or better one?? Actually there is no exact answer. It's all depend on yourself. Which is a bad thing for me. Cause I still can't deny that you are the best and there is no others just like you. Except I clone you?? LOL. What can I say. Maybe I just don't deserve you, which are the best. And you belongs to someone who deserve you more than me. You'll always be THE BEST!!!! and NOBODY CAN BEAT THAT YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!

p/s: gonna find "another" the best!!!! If only he exist. If not gonna stay single forever and ever... hahhahah Oh ya... sorry if I did "offended" you or what... I don have any "isi tersirat" hahahha

Women Vs. Men

WOMEN have a keen sense of smell.
MEN don't notice odors as much.

WOMEN recall every romantic event in detail.
MEN ... not so much.

WOMEN think about sex daily.
MEN think about it incessantly.

WOMEN are tuned in to relationship problems.
MEN don't recognize issues as readily.

WOMEN find problems where none exist.
MEN are more rational.

WOMEN know they're lost immediately.
MEN don't realize they're lost for a long time.

WOMEN express their heartache after a split.
MEN act like nothing's wrong.

P/s: haha... took this from a magazine... agree with some of it though... =)

Something wrong...

Today I just feel like

C R Y I N G

!!!

='(

Sad day?

It's a sad day for me today. Nothing much really happen that make me sad. But I'm just being influence by a friend of my. She's sad, I'm sad. Feel like crying when I see her cry. Ya, friends are IMPORTANT to me. Damn Freking Important. I'm sure that most of the people put family at the first place. But I'm just different. I put Friends at the first place at this stage. Friends had help me been through my down time. I just LOVE them. No matter how fucking bitchy or how bastard-ly you act, I will always take you as my friend if I think you are worth for a friend. I hate back stabber and betrayer. If you people don't like something about me, please do tell me IN FRONT of me. I can handle everything. Don't worry about hurting me. Back stabbing me or betray me is more hurt than you telling me stuff that you don't like about me in front of me. You can say anything in front of me but not BEHIND me.

About the sad part. It's about my past. And my friend being sad which makes me sad also. Hope everything is okay for her. And I do hope that BITCH know what she's doing. Hope will wake up someday.

P/s: I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YA ALL!!!!! =)

Bla bla bla...

S h h h h h h h h h h h ~ ~ ~ ~

I know... I know...

Stop nagging me about it...

Things have to move on...

Duh uh!!!!

I get it... I get it...

Stop nagging me about it...

Shesh!!!!

Told you already what...

I accept the fact already...

Just that feelings can't be controlled easily...

And it's a mood swing what...

What can I do right??

So stop nagging...

Urgh!!!!

p/s: feel like leaving Kuching to some other place... Stay at the place that I want to go for as long as possible... I don wanna... =)

ARGH!!!!!

Can I curse in here??

A R G H H H H ! ! ! ! !

! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ { } ?

I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING LIKE THIS!!!!

N I DON KNOW WHY THE FEELING IS COMING BACK AGAIN!!!

I SERIOUSLY HATE MYSELF!!!!

DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART THERE'S SOMETHING THERE WHICH I CAN'T SAY IT OUT AND IS ASHAMED TO SAY IT OUT!!!!

OH GOD!!!!

PLEASE LET ME GET THROUGH THIS!!!

LET THE FEELINGS FADE AWAY PLEASE!!!!

IT'S BETTER THAT YOU TAKE AWAY MY FEELINGS!!!!

I KNOW THE TRUTH AND ACCEPTED IT ALREADY!!!

BUT DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART I WANT THINGS TO GO IN THAT WAY!!!!!

*sigh*

I WISH I WONT....

*i know it's impossible*

K... Nights... Enough of bragging things...

It's not easy...

It's never easy to forget someone who ever played an important part in your life before.

It's just like these few days. Don't know what had got into me.

I kinda miss him. Miss the feeling we being together a couple. Miss the time I find him everyday. Miss the time we spent our time together as a couple. Miss the feeling of loving and missing him.

H A I H S s s s s s

Kinda emo lo. This is the way it is. No turning back. No regrets. No nothing. I only blame myself for not treating him the way I should treat him. I mean treat him better.

A R G H h h h h h h h h

What I can do now is just forget about him!!!!! That's the only thing I can do now. And should do now. I know there's NO WAY we can get back together. NO WAY!!!!!!

I just miss him. Haih...

Just look forward lah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back...

It's been almost two weeks I have not update my blog.
Had been out non stop in these two weeks. Kinda tired but hell it's fun!!! Nothing really much happen in these two weeks. Just a simple, dull life. The only thing I actually remember happened this week is I got angry. It's been a long long long long DAMN long time since I really got angry with somebody. But actually I'm okay after the few minutes later. Can't really get angry with somebody for so long. Plus I don't like myself being angry. It's kinda freaking people out. And also freaking myself out. I'm very scary when I'm angry.

PLus, I've been haunting for clothes for these few days. But too bad nothing really catches my eyes. Clothes in Kuching either it's too expensive or it's not nice. Saw this Kimono dress which is nice but it cost bloody RM99. It's so damn freaking expensive. I can get this kind of Kimono dress for RM34 at blogshop. But yesterday I bought a shirt from Esprit which only cost RM49.90. So happy! Cause it's cheap but ofcourse la. There's a sale going on, if not I wont get such a nice shirt for so cheap which is branded. *haha*

p/s: gonna hunt for more clothes!!!!!!! =)

Time has come...

H m m m m m m m m m m m

I guess the time has come

*wink*

Hard time

It's just hard to find someone who you truly love with all your heart.

What more to say find someone who is truly love you with all his or her heart.

And it's like when you were thinking that you just found the right one for you but it turn out that actually it's not.

Or even you think that he or she is the right one for you but it tuen out to be the opposite from the other party.

How sad can that be?!

Sometimes things just don't go to the way you want to.

That's life.

No matter how sad is it, how suffering is it, how unacceptable is it, how harsh is it.

You still have to bear and deal with it.

THAT'S LIFE!!!

It's just sad that you can't get the things that you want or the way you want something to be.

What I'm trying to say here is I'm still learning how to deal with the sad facts which I had a hard time in accepting it.

I still need time to deal with it.

I need a very very very damn very long time to deal with it.

I'm sorry if any of my attitude make you guys feel uneasy.

I'm saying sorry cause someone told me something about it.

I have feelings.

Those feelings just kept coming back and I'm trying to deal with it too.

If I'm wasn't so serious about it I wont have a hard time dealing with those facts and feelings already.

I do understand that things can't go back anymore.

No more feelings means NO MORE.

It's the end, Buhhhhhh Bye.

I still need time and I'm not trying to hold something here.

I hope the day that I really forget everything just come sooner or faster.

Oh My Gosh!!!

OH
MY
GOSH
!!!

OH
MY
GOSH
!!!

OH
MY
GOSH
!!!

OH
MY
GOSH
!!!

OH
MY
GOSH
!!!

PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE AND THINK ABOUT THE PAST... I CAN'T BEAR TO BE EMO AGAIN... I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT THE SAD, SUFFERING AND THOSE HURTING MOMENTS I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS YEAR...
I'M SCARED OF IT...

Question!!!

I have a question!! I have a question!!

Can Anybody tell me why people like to keep things in their heart?? And not saying it out?? Even the closest person they also wont speak out their problems!! How come huh?? For example, my Dad. Even he got a big big big problem he wont tell my Mum. How come huh?? It's like they have been living with each other for half of their life and yet my Dad don't even wanna tell what had happen. Oh My Gosh! It's like so weird man! You can't even trust your own wife? Or you don't wan your wife to suffer from it also? Aren't husband and wife should bear with happiness and sadness together? Why can't you just speak up?! My Mum kinda suffer with my Dad's attitude. It's kinda suffering that knowing the love ones is in trouble and have problem bothering them but don't even know what is it and can't help in anything. WootS!! I can feel the pain eh.

Daddy ar Daddy... People out there ar people out there... Don't keep everything to yourself. Don't you know that your love ones and people who care about you is suffering also? Speak up your mind please. =)

p/s: I notice that mostly the horoscope sign that like to hide their feelings and problem is VIRGO sign. As you can see my Daddy is a Virgo, ,my best friend is a Virgo and don't like to speak up also, Him is a Virgo also and Jayson is a Virgo and we don't really know anything about him.

Truly Madly Deeply

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope
I'll be your love, be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply, do
I will be strong, I will be faithful

Because I am counting on a new beginning
A reason for living a deeper meaning yeah~~

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shinning brightly in the velvet sky
I'll make a wish send it to heaven that will make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection

Of the highest power and lonely hours
The tears divide you

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
Cause it's standing right before you
All that you need will surely come

I'll be you dream, I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy, I;ll be your hope
I'll be your love be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply, do

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna play with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea, yeah~~
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna play with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

I wanna stand with you on a mountain

Tired...

Don't know what had got into me again. Feeling so down the whole night. How come huh? Mood swing again? Don't think so. I'm just feeling very very down. Plus I feel very tired also. Don't feel like thinking so much and using my brain anymore. I wanna be dead!! Can't I just stop using my brain for 1 day? Just 1 day. I'm tired of living! Not that I wanna die or what. I just wanna have a rest for my brain. Not thinking of anything. And I'm tired of not knowing why I suddenly feeling so down. Seriously don't know why. It's like everything jumble up in my mind. Lots of thinking... Lots and lots of thinking... I don't like. Why must I have a complicated brain. How come it looks like I'm the only one who think this much? Or maybe you people out there think as much as me and even think more than me but you guys just keep it to yourself and didn't tell anybody. =)

What else can I say. This is me and that is you. We are different. I know that. And for me adopting people's attitude is 1 thing I would wanna try out. Wanna feel like keeping things to myself and wanna know how people feel like if I'm keeping things to myself.

R.I.P

I

DIE

ONCE

AGAIN

6 JULY 2009

4.03 P.M.

Why?

Why is it feel like that everything is coming back again?
Why am I being emo again?
Why do I still care about Him?
Why do I still so eager to know about his stuff?
Why can't I just let it go once and for all?
Why does things have to come back after a period of time?
Why do I still have feeling towards him?
Why do I still miss him sometimes?
Why do I still think about the past?
Why does it so hard to forget about what had happen?
Why is it so hard to forget a person?
Why am I still kinda feeling the hurt that he did?
Why am I still feel like crying over him?
Why am I still believing in it?
Why is this happening over and over again?

I feel like disappear in this world now. Leaving nothing in this world. Not to think of anything. Not to suffer in this situation anymore. Just leaving everything in the world.

Unsolve

I so don't like people leaving me a question without an ANSWER!!
Bitch!! Please la hor... Don't you know it's very suffering when you're EAGER to know something but you just can't get any answer out of it!! F*UCK la!!! You think Da Vinci Code meh now?? Want me to go solve it myself!! Go hell la you!!

I don't even know why I so eager wanna know about it!! Shiat!!! Maybe things are coming back again??!! F*UCK!!!!!! Don't wanna involve in it anymore man!!!! I quit!!!!!!

BBQ night!!!!

Event: BBQ
Place: Drey's house
Date : 2nd July 2009
Time : 7.00 p.m onwards

Having BBQ at Drey's house yesterday night. Shesh!!! It was FUN man!! I think the fun part are those liquor and beer. Haven't been drinking like this since ages!! I mean drink for a happy event. I've always drink alone and it's always cause I'm emo. I guess this is why people go to clubs huh? =)

Before having all those fun, I've been helping Drey to prepare the food. Reach her house at 2 p.m. something almost 3 p.m. and I promise to reach at 2 p.m. I thought I was late for the helping. Eventually, I'm the first one who arrived to help. *haha* The others are late. They arrived at 3 p.m. something almost 4 p.m. I guess. I was busying with the cooking part while the others clean outside of the house. Oh ya. Jayson, Lewis and Jason (Ang ge) help too. Lewis and Jason cook the spagetti. What can I say. It's nice. Shouldn't underestimate their cooking skills eh. *haha*

After finishing all the preparation for the party to start. I took a bath at Drey's house. Can't stand not taking a bath after sweating. How stupid am I that I forgot to bring towel. Drey borrowed me hers. Thanks, Drey. And kinda sorry I "mahuan" you. =S

Let's get the party started!!!!!!
The "hosts" was doing the BBQ. Which include Jason, Lewis and Him. Then the others kinda sit there and wait. That was at the begining. Then people starting to take over the grill. Except me. *haha* I'm wearing white colour shirt what. *paiseh* I was full already after eating the potato salad, spagetti, 2 sausages and a chicken wing.

Then start the drinking part!!!!!
Thanks to Jason that I'm kinda drunk. Asking people drink is the best part he did yesterday night. *haha* Then half way partying, the police came and said the neighbours complaint about those noises we made. Luckily nothing really happen also. After that we continue with the party. Everybody was kinda drunk that night expect for Yu An. He did not drink a single drop. *haha* The first person who drunk is Jason Bong. The first person who vomit was Johnny. *haha* So bad I laugh at him. xP I started to felt drunk when I drink the red wine. Then Kelvin keep laughing when he was drunk. So damn funny.

Oh ya. Remember the second previous post I was saying I'm predicting what they will do? I predict they would "suan" me right? Guess again. I was half correct ONLY. Never would expect that they will play so "rough" (cho). Er... Don't wanna mention anything about that. Whole night was "suan-ing" away.

I went back home at around 12. 21 a.m. Then off to bed I go. Overall, I was happy and I seriously had fun. I was so damn full!!!

I'm sad =(

Jayson went back to KK already. Went to have dinner with him, Drey and Brandon. Then we went to send Jayson off to airport. I MISS him so much!! I don't like the feeling of seperation. Especially with someone who is very close again.

ARGH!!!!!!!!! I seriously hate it!!!!
Kinda reminds me how me and Him separate while I'm still deeply in love with Him. Okay quit those stuff. Don't wanna think of it anymore. Like what people say, we cannot go back to past and we can't change it. So just let it be. Time cures everything. Even the cut in my heart, but I know it wont fully recover. =)

I'm so freaking moody now. I miss Jayson. Oh My Gosh!! Never miss a person so much despite of Him. But please don't get me wrong. I don't LOVE him love him. I only LOVE him as a FRIEND. He's my BEST GUY FRIEND!!! *haha* I've been telling everything about me, my life, my feelings, my EVERYTHING!! How can I don't miss him when he's not here? Although sometimes he very "cipai" and "pubo" la. But I still love him. =D Feel like crying ah!!!!! How I wish he won't go back. Without him to spice up my life it's like my life is so dead.

Quit saying about the sad stuff already.
P/s: Take care, Jayson!! I'll MISS you!! If only u read my blog la. =)If go Labuan bring me back chocolates and alcohol!!!!! *haha*

Can't think of 1

Just feel like writing something. But I've got nothing to write. *haha* Bored what. Gonna bring my bro back to school later. Driver!
Then later gonna be busy with the BBQ things. =)

Plus, I'm kinda predicting something. What would happen tonight. I think will being "suan" again. *haha* Plus with that Jayson's stupid action wanting me to admit something that I don't wanna admit and have no reason in admitting it. Shesh~~

I guess I use my brain too much. Don't care whatever it is I'll think very far and hesitate in doing every single thing. Can't I just don't think too much? Kinda hate my attitude of thinking too much about everything. *hehe*

Doze off...

Short post before I doze off. Kinda have minor headache right now. Maybe the weather is too hot for me to handle eh. *hehe*
Nothing much about this afternoon really. The kinda "thing" really happen is...

From top to bottom... Here it goes...
Went out with Karen, Jayson and Kelvin today. I went to picked Jayson and Karen then head off to tHe Spring where Kelvin already waited us there. "Paiseh la Kelvin. For keep you waiting." We was like half an hour late. xP Then have my breakfast plus lunch at tHe Spring Food Bazar. Actually is kinda like high tea also? cause it's almost 3 p.m. already. I ate Salad Chicken Rice. Never try before and this is my first time eat the Salad Chicken Rice thre. It was not bad after all. Kinda the best Salad Chicken Rice. *haha*

After that we went for Ais Kacang. Hot weather with a nice cooling Ais Kacang is the best. At first we went to Stutong marktet to eat Ais Kacang. But it was closed so we headed to San Xiao there eat. But Kelvin said his car no petrol and need me to bring him. So i suggested him to parked his car at Lorong 16 and I'll bring him. When we reached there it was full of people. After finish our Ais Kacang then I drove them back to Lorong 16. Okay!! Get ready ya!!
The best part is coming!! *haha*

While we headed back to Lorong 16. There is high school girl which is quite cute in the back passenger seat in a car in front of me keep on looking at Kelvin. At first we din notice till Kelvin told us. *haha* Then we kinda like observing the girl. Like what had been told by Kelvin. That girl is like keep on peeking at Kelvin. Then we start "suan" Kelvin. *haha* Keep asking him to say "Hi" to that girl and kinda say he coward (sorry for using this word, english not that good and can't find another word to substitute it). Don't dare to say "Hi" to the girl and shy-ing away. He was like don even dare to look at the girl. *haha* It's the first time I see him acting like that. So damn shy! Kelvin, where is your skills that you've been saying you are good in hooking up with girls huh? *haha*

After that, I went to pick my brother from his school. Tired of being a driver la. Wish that I can afford another car. A Kancil for me I be satisfied already. *hehe* Okay... Off to bed now. And dream of me having a car. *haha*

Nites~~

Rise and Shine

My morning is kinda okay. Sleep till 11.30 a.m. Haven't been sleeping till this late already. Kinda lazy wanna wake up this morning and keep on lazying around on my bed till almost 12 noon. Ya... I know. I act like a pig. It's nice okay? Haven't been really doing this since long time ago? Cause I really forget how long I've not been lazying around on my bed already.

I'm kinda obsess with the song "Unbreak My Heart" it's originally by Toni Braxton. But I listen to Whitney Houston version. I've been keep repeating it all over again and again. Oh My Gosh... It's so damn nice. Totally love the lyrics man! Oh ya... Went to Enter K with Jayson and Kelvin. We sang this song. And guess what? I phail. Know why? Cause I kinda don have the voice to sing this song. *haha*

Till here I'll stop. Maybe gonna update my blog very soon. Like tonight? Kinda addicted to blogging now. =D

Jumble up...

Emotions are jumble up... Tired. Frustrated. Depressed. Emotionless. Hate. Confuse. Jealous.(not sure about this, don think so la) Er... Don't know la. Just feel like lying there, don't wanna move at all, don't wanna think of anything and just like being DEAD.

Wondering why can't human act like a robot. Press the "on" button and we are able to move around, think with our brain and full of emotion. When press the "off" button and we are like DEAD. Not moving at all, can't think of anything and emotionless. How I wish I can be a robot. Only think and have emotion when I wan to. Then I can choose what emotion I wanna experience in. How nice my life would be. Wrong. Should be "How WONDERFUL, COLORFUL and BEAUTIFUL my life would be!" *haha*

Oh ya... I kinda JUST realize something. Not gonna tell what is it about. What I can say is I'm like so darn slow. Shiat man! Seriously DARN F*CKING slow man! Only realize it NOW when the thing is like freaking few months ago. WTF! Seriously WTF man! Owh well... Told you before that I was stupid and slow. *haha*

I never knew that I will fall for it. I've always exclaim that I wont act like any other people acted. But I end up being no difference from them. LOVE blinded people, making people can't see the road ahead clearly. What can I say then. That's the way it is. That's the power of LOVE. =) Being in love is sweet, but when it ends it is bitter. That's it. And it's kinda a life path that human must walk through it? I've never regretted it. *haha*

I guess I'm too free which makes me always think of all these stuff huh? Love. Relationship. Romance. Other half. Boys. ;) Hey, all human being are the same okay. It's not wrong to think of it ya know. I kinda have lots of love philosophy eh... *haha* Geez... Can't I have other philospphy than this. LOLs!

Swing!!!

What is the thing that is SWINGING??
Guess!!! *haha*
*teng* *teng* teng* *teng*
My MOOD!!!
Yes!! Again!!
I got mood swing again!!!

Tiring man. I seriously don't like myself being like this all the time. It's like this minutes I'm okay. Then the next minute I'm like kinda moody and stuff and think a lot about everything and anything.
And I'm thinking myself as STUPID.
Yes!! I'm STUPID!! I'm F*UCKING, FREAKING, DARN, DAMN STUPID!! =)

Sometimes, the answer you've been searching high and low for all these while. But, it's just right in front of you, showing you the answer. You just don't realize it.
This is what I've been experiencing. I've been searching high and low and have been cracking my head to figure out for the answer.And I finally found it. It's just right in front of me, showing me very clearly that the answer I've been searching for so long and I din even realize it.

So... What do you call this huh? STUPID la duh... Or just maybe I know the answer all these while and I just don't wanna accept it huh? Sometimes I've been thinking that maybe I the most STUPID person in this world. Easily fall for something like this. A better wording for STUPID is NAIVE. I'm NAIVE. =)

I've found the answer I've been looking for, for months and I've got it. And for someone... Yea! Your word hurts me a lot. Although it's true. I rather you din tell me that and just leave it like that at this moment. =)

AHA~~

Haha... "Aha" about what??
He should know this.
I'm just kinda surprising that He's still reading my blog. *haha*
Erm...
I guess this blog is like a "link" between me and Him?
What I'm trying to say it's He knows everything about me...
As in my feelings... What I'm thinking... My thoughts and stuff...
And the unfair part is I don't know Hes. =)
Eh... Don't get me wrong ya. I'm not saying that He should own a blog and write down all of His feelings, thoughts and stuff la okay?
And maybe He never like...
Erm... "Doesn't care about anything anymore?" Get what I mean? My "isi tersirat". He so smart. Sure can get what I mean right? *haha*
I wanna know how come He send me that message after reading my blog. It's like I've been writing so many posts about Him for the past few months and and He only "reply" me NOW. Can He give me an answer? *Curious* =X
I'm just asking about it. If He don't feel like "replying" me it's okay. =)
And I guess I found out the true answer about "it"...
I was thinking like maybe... Just maybe... Sometimes there's a chance for me and Him to talk. But, we just can't speak up. That's what I'm thinking. =X
Maybe someday me and Him can talk to each other like normal. As friends.
Or we just should like kinda go back to semester 1 in foundation. Intro ourselves again. I mean like be friends all over again?
*haha* Whatever la. Let's just let the time do their stuff. Time matters remember? *haha*
K la... Till then... It's 1.05 a.m already.
Nites =D

Currently

Current mode: Missing somebody
Person: Him
Emotion: Jumble up with happiness, sadness, disappointment

Well, look at the time now. Below there. It's already 1.24 a.m. and I'm missing Him. =)
Weird huh? How come I miss Him in a sudden? Neh... I'm not sure myself.
Know where is He now and I might have the ability to know what is he doing now at that place. =X
What can I say then? He loves FREEDOM. Actually who doesn't huh? I mean like seriously who doesn't.
That's kinda the reason He broke up with me. I've repeatedly asked myself about it.
"Did I control Him? Did I control Him too much? I'm a control freak? I did not give him the 'space' that he want? Shouldn't gave him curfew?" Too many question marks had been through my mind.
Hey, I'm not a mind reader okay? I need Him to tell me what He want from me. Freedom? 'Space'? Not to control him? Don't like the curfew tingy?
Oi! Speak up! Not as if He's dumb or what. He can talk ya know?
Speak up la duh. Aren't being in a relationship the most important tools to lengthen a relationship is COMMUNICATION?
Yeah! You heard me!! COMMUNICATION!!!
I repeat... COMMUNICATION!!!

I think I brag too much about it already...
Purpose of this post:
I just wanna write down and post up my current feelings... =D

Short post...

This post would be a short post which requested by SOMEONE...
Won't you guys realize that mostly my post is about Him??
What can I say??
He's my Life??
Actually he USED to be my life...

Gonna make this short post not about him... =)
Last 2 days... which is Wednesday, 24th June, 2009.
Me, Jayson, Drey and 2 of her cousins, Veler and Gladys went to eat Roti Pisang.
Then on the way to Swinburne, there's this guy knock on the car window and pointed at my car's left side of the back tyre.
Then Drey look back and saw the tyre of my car pointed by that guy flatted.
Sure 1st thing come to your mind is that we panicked...
Too bad...
We did not...
The only problem now is...
Non of us know how to pump air into the tyre...
Owh well...
There's nothing we can do besides going to the petrol station and pump the air into the tyre...
Luckily Jayson was there...
He helped me while the others sit inside the car... *HaHa*
Then off Swinburne we go...

Reached Swinburne... Saw Him and Lewis...

*The End*

My Thoughts... =)

How am I going to start with it??
Yesterday, went out to eat Roti Pisang with Drey, Lewis n Him... (Sorry, don feel like mentioning his name and I think you guys know who the Him is) =D
Like what I expected when I knew Lewis and Him is joining me and Drey for lunch...
Lewis would "suan" me and Him...(No hard feelings about it. I'm okay with it tough)
Like what I said... Lewis would "suan" us, as in me and Him...

It goes like this...
Lewis to Stella: Why are you so quiet?
Stella to Lewis: Nothing le.
Drey to Stella : Yalo... Why are you so quiet?
Stella to Drey : Eat till very full. Don't feel like talking.
Drey to Stella : Owh...
Lewis to Him : Eh... You usually talk a lot. How come today you so quiet also?
Drey to Us : Yala... Yala... How come you two (me and Him) so quiet?
Lewis to Us : How come you two don't talk? You guys haven't been talking for so long already le. How come you two don't talk? You guys quarrel is it? How come you to don't talk?
Me and Him : *speechless*
Him to Lewis : Eat eat... Don't talk so much.

What can I say right?
He din even speak up to answer any of Lewis's question.
Why and how would I answer him??
At that moment when Lewis ask those question there's an urge that I wanna say "Hi" to Him...
Just a SIMPLE "Hi" and I couldn't make it...
I was like CHOCKED up by something in my throat and I just COULDN'T speak up!!!
Gosh!!!!!
What had got into me?! You'll ask...
I DON'T KNOW!!!!
NEVER been my WHOLE life I act like that!!!

Assumption:
1. I don't feel like talking to him. Cause he hurt me too deeply and
I'm not fully recover yet?

2. I don't know what should I talk to him. Cause there's no topic
between me and Him?

3. I get use to not talk to him. Cause it's been about 3 months plus
and almost 4 months we did not talk to each other?


Conclusion:
There isn't any conclusion. I have no idea what is happening to me. =)

And I was kinda wondering, why would my friends and even my sis ask me this question:"Why won't you talk to Him?"
What The Hell...
Please la...
I'm finding an answer for this question for so long already and I can't get any!!!
Please... Next time turn around and try to ask Him about it and let me know...
Why won't He talk to me?? =)
Or maybe next time Lewis will start asking Him that question in front of me...
I'll thank him a zillion and I'll be glad that he did that... =D
I would like to listen to his answer... *HAHA*

RanDom!!!

Love you?
Love you not?

Love you??
Love you not??

Love you???
Love you not???

Love you????
Love you not????

*teng* *teng* *teng* *teng*

LOVE YOU!!!!!

Zzzzzz

I

START

DRINKING

AGAIN
!!!

Another sudden feelings

Don't really know what have got into my mind right now...
I feel sad...
I feel empty...
I feel like drinking...
I feel like getting drunk...
I feel like forgetting everything...
Seriously EVERYTHING!!!
Is it because of him??
I've no idea myself...
I'm jealous about THAT??
I'm not happy with him not talking to me??

*no idea*

Was everything happening right now my fault??
It seems like everything going well UNTIL...
Am I too sensitive or what??
It's like I'm OK with everything already until...
Am I still in LOVE with him??
I seriously have no idea about that...
Cause it seems like I've giving up on him already...
I'm trying to be friends with him...
But it seems like I have difficulties in doing that...
Every now and then when I'm trying to approach him or take things never happen...
I just can't do it!!!
It just wont work in the way that I want...
The more I'm trying to forget everything the more it WONT work!!!
Maybe I'm not ready yet??
Don't know about that...

*blur* *blur*

When I was sleeping on the floor this afternoon at my friends house, I suddenly felt that it would be nice if He's here...
By my side...
I could sleep on his lap...
Really miss that...
Then I could hug him...

......BUT.......

That wouldn't be possible already... =(
Nothing would be possible for US anymore...
Have I accept the fact that WE wont be going back anymore??
Have I accept the fact that there is NO miracles between US??
Or am I still being stupid that someday...
Just someday...
That WE would be together again...
I think I'm trying to hold something between US...
I don't know...
And there's this feeling that I'm afraid to loose him...
Actually I'm loosing him already...
It's just so hard to explain!!!
I DO NOT WANT TO LOOSE HIM!!!!

*Sigh*

I seriously can't imagine if that day come...
Owh well...
What can I do right??
There's nothing that I can do to make Him come back...
There's nothing that I can do to turn back the time...
I'm just hoping that I can give up on Him...
Wont be emo because of him anymore... =)
But still...
I think that I might still in LOVE with him...